Climbing the Rock Within by Jennifer Haig
Excerpt from Chapter 4:
Questions about how to love Henry went unasked, unanswered.
I guided myself, observed my brothers, my sister,
and noticed they never cried. Rick, at eighteen years old,
came home from boarding school, then moved into a public
school where there were bigger classrooms and less structure.
What did he hope to find? I wondered if I needed what he
needed. Who would be our patient mentors?
What did Henry mean to me? I wanted him to be as big as
Patrick was in my mind, to be like Rick. They both became
idols to me, heavy on my shoulders. I lay in bed at night, lined
up my fragmented day until it felt in my control. I tried to
pray away my guilt for things I did not do right. It all threw
me into circles of chaos. I tried not to be scared, but I was.
Henry suddenly meant too little and too much. My prayer
time became a rumination that had no bounds, repeated
images, repeated words with no judgment: I’m scared, I’m
scared… and often triggered seizures.